I was just trying to be a good boyfriend. "Oh! The Sex and the City movie is on HBO! Can we please watch it!?", she said knowing very well that I could not say no to her. How bad could it be, I pondered. Sure I had seen an episode of the show and it destroyed my will to live, but maybe they made it better for the movie?
30 minutes later...
"I will never forgive you for making me watch that atrocity". She laughs, because my misery evidently amuses her. She's lucky I love her, and that I know she is the only person in the world who can put up with my inflated sense of pride. I will have to get back at her one day, however. Perhaps I will drag her to see Saw 6 when it comes out. She hates that stuff.
Talking seriously for a moment, the Sex and the City movie was a hauntingly awful display of filmmaking that made my insides churn. Ignoring the script and the direction, the characters and content alone were enough to make me weep tears of pain. The four lead characters, who I have aptly nicknamed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, are nothing more than insufferable, prolix, ugly, detestable creatures that are in no way funny or ironic. The dialogue in the film, what I could decipher from the high pitched squealing and rapid mile-a-minute speech, was terribly written, and I didn't for a second believe that these four horsemen were the long time friends we were supposed to assume. The lead actresses were about as affectionate to each other as a shark is to meat. After 30 minutes, I feared that blood would soon begin pouring from my ears, so I told my girlfriend enough was enough and I shut it off. Now I am aware there is an unwritten code for movie critics that says you have to view a film in its entirety before you judge it. Well I'm not a movie critic yet, so that code be damned! I would rather have my fingers crushed in between the connecting parts of two railway cars than watch the rest of this film. I would rather get shot in the head whilst reaching for a butterfly than watch the rest of this film. I would rather sell my body on the streets of New York dressed as a cowboy, and then settle for receiving sexual pleasure from Bob Balaban than watch the rest of this film.
I would have asked my girlfriend for the last 30 minutes of my life back, but let's face it, I wouldn't have done anything with those 30 minutes anyway.
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13 years ago
When I read this Nick I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I don't know why Sex & The City is so entertaining to women I guess that is why they are such an enigma. However if you're goign to be a critic Nick I guess you have to sit through the whole thing regardless to fully critique. Some people said the movie wasn't too bad but then again those were girls who were big fans so I don't know. However I'll take your word for it. I doubt I'd ever watch it anyway
ReplyDeleteNick, you're absolutely right. I couldn't get through this atrocity with my sister either. This was a sorry excuse for a movie. I don't even think it's worth commenting on, even negative commentary.
ReplyDeleteI had to watch it with my girlfriend too, it was THE SINGLE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE TO DATE, PERIOD. Probably forever. That's how awful it was.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely one of the funniest, truest reviews I've ever read. The fact that this show/movie is supposedly "feminist" is a disgrace. I've never seen stupider more annoying women in my life.
ReplyDeleteHaven't seen it, won't see it. I'm glad I didn't have to adore a movie which received such horrible reviews from my classmates. I am waiting for someone to disagree with this because I know there is someone out there. Very funny review, Nick!
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone above - very funny review! Even the series (which is better than the movie) is exceedingly dry. Alas, to each his own. Obviously many people find Sex and the City very entertaining.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this review Nick, I believe you may well have saved me from watching this garbage. After all the commercials I've seen for it, and all the attention it gets for being such a great series, I thought maybe I should give Sex and the City a chance. I am strongly reconsidering that idea right about now...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback guys! I'm glad I can save most of you from the torment of this film. I am deeply sorry that I could not help you, my dear Benjamin. You are a much braver man than I once thought.
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